If you’re brilliant at making things work, you’re probably also brilliant at making things that don’t fit work for years.
That’s the thing nobody tells accomplished women. Being stuck rarely looks like failure. It looks like a full diary, a good reputation and a life that is, on paper, going well. And a quiet feeling that it no longer fits.
I work with women in exactly this place, and the same six reasons come up again and again. See which ones sound like you.
Six reasons brilliant women stay stuck
1. They’re so good at making things work. When you can make almost anything work, the question “should I?” never gets asked. The assumption underneath: If I can make it work, I should.
2. They’ve invested so much in the life they’ve built. Years of effort, a career, an identity. Leaving feels like throwing it away. The assumption underneath: Changing direction wastes everything I’ve put in. It doesn’t. You take the skills and the experience with you.
3. Everyone else relies on them. You’re the one people turn to. Changing things feels like letting others down. The assumption underneath: If I change, other people will suffer.
4. They confuse being capable with being fulfilled. Being good at something and being nourished by it are different things. The assumption underneath: If I’m succeeding, I should be happy.
5. Changing direction feels like admitting something went wrong. The plan worked once. Moving on can feel like a verdict on it. The assumption underneath: If I change course, I must have made a mistake. More often, you’ve simply changed, and the plan hasn’t caught up. Elizabeth Day’s question is a good one here: whose plan was it?
6. They keep looking for the next solution instead of questioning the assumptions underneath. A better routine, more time, a new system. The assumption underneath: I just need to manage it better.
The Stuck Check
Reading about it won’t change anything. Here’s a four-step check you can do in ten minutes with a notebook.
1. Pick your reason. Which one of the six made you wince? Choose one, not all six.
2. Write the assumption underneath it. One sentence, in your own words, starting “I have to…” or “If I…” Seeing it written down is often enough to loosen it.
3. Ask three questions. Where did this come from? Is it still true today? What would I do if it weren’t true?
4. Choose one small experiment for this week. Not a big decision. A prototype: a conversation, a half-day, a small thing you can try to see what happens. It’s allowed to go imperfectly, because what you learn is the point. This is how designers work, and it’s how I coach.
Start from here
So what if you stopped trying to make your old life work, and started designing one that fits who you are now?
If you’d like a gentle structure for noticing what’s going on and choosing a next step, The Small Redesign is a free workbook built for exactly that.
And if you recognise yourself in the list and want a challenge to the assumption underneath, I’d love to talk it through with you.
