I've been meeting a lot of wonderful new people lately, particularly remarkable women making a difference in their corner of the world. It's made me think more about the importance of connection, and what it takes to do it well.
Here's where I've landed: connected leadership starts before you talk to anyone else.
Connect with yourself first
Before you can connect with others, it helps to know what you're bringing. Two things matter most: your values, and your needs.
Your values are what you'd choose to stand for when no one's watching. Your needs are the basics you have to have in place to stay well, not the extras. Many of us who lead, at work, at home or in our communities, haven't checked either for a long time.
This is also what makes real connection possible. When you're comfortable and connected with yourself, you can be open enough to let others in. When you're not, it's easier to hide behind being the capable one.
We're wired to connect
As humans, we're built for connection. But when we're busy and stretched, a lot of women try to do everything alone. It looks like strength. It tends to leave us more isolated.
The answer isn't to connect with everyone. It's to choose.
Who are you connecting with?
We don't need to treat everyone the same, and we shouldn't. Some people are close enough to hold at your hearth: the people who support you, who you trust, who you'd let see you tired. Others sit further out, in your wider realm: colleagues, acquaintances, people you're glad to know and help, but who don't get your inner circle.
The difference matters most when it comes to giving. There are people you'll go into deficit for, and push through for, because they matter and they'd do the same for you. And there are people you won't. That isn't unkind. Giving is one thing. Giving everything to everyone is another, and it's how we end up depleted.
Being clear about who's where means you can give generously, ask for support from the right people, and stop running yourself down on those who don't need or return it.
Take what’s useful and make it your own.
1. Draw your inner and wider circles. Sketch two circles on a page, one inside the other. Write the names of the people in your inner circle in the middle, and those in your wider circle around it. Notice who’s missing, and who’s there out of habit.
2. Do a deficit check. Who do you go into deficit for? Is that a choice, and do they give back? Pick one person where you could give a little less.
3. Name one value and one need. Write down one thing that matters to you and one thing you need this week. Say them to yourself out loud.
4. Let one person in. Message someone in your inner circle, not to ask for anything big. Share one real thing, how you’re actually doing, or ask for one small thing.
None of this needs a free weekend or a big plan. One objective look at your circles, and one real message, is a good start.
If you’d like a gentle structure for noticing what’s going on and choosing a next step, The Small Redesign is a free workbook built for exactly that.
if you’d like a no obligation chat to explore what it would be like to be coached by me, you can book a discovery call here.
